dearly loved

May. That was the time the Lord told me to go but through doubt and unbelief, nearly three months later, I am just now saying yes. Doors had seemed to be opening and I was wanting to say yes to everything in front of me but he had given me a clear calling. For me, a clear calling brings me to tears. I don’t cry a lot. Unless it is a sappy love movie, I am extremely hurt, or the Lord has really moved my heart. In this case the Lord really moved my heart. I was sitting in Seattle Washington when it happened, on the couch of a strangers house. My friend Bailey and I, decided to take a spontaneous trip to Seattle in October and I had no idea it would be so life-changing. Through random chance (but not really), we ended up in the home of the pastor and his wife from David Platt’s plant church, The Hallows. As they spoke of the city and their calling for the people there, my heart began to stir. I cannot tell you when exactly it was but at some point in hearing Kim speak about the city and the need within it, I knew. I knew the Lord had a place for me in Seattle, Washington. Why Seattle I am not quite sure. Initially, all I could think about was the rain and the cold (which I am not a big fan of). After really considering it though, I cannot help but sing praises for how sweet our God really is. He is taking me to the mountains where, if any of you reading this really know me, my heart finds the most joy! There are something about the hugeness of the mountains that amazes and the beauty of the lush green in the forests that just draw me closer to my maker. I don’t just find my heart in the mountains but I find more of my Jesus there! The mountains though, are not the only reason for the sweetness of Jesus for placing me there. The people there have a love for coffee for one, nothing gets much better than a coffee shop on a rainy day and they just have a feel about them. Their is culture in the air, there is a specific feel to it that, in a small way, reminds me of Athens, reminds me of my college home. So, the Lord is sweet. He has designed me perfectly for a purpose and already I am in awe at how intricate his details really are.  I cannot help to think even, of the path I unknowingly have been walking on to get to this point. First, I spent four months, my first four months of college, living in Limerick Ireland. In Limerick, it rained every day. Already, I believe I am prepared and I can handle this huge climate change and CONSTANT rain. My family, after college, went from all being in the cozy town of Gainesville, GA, to be spread across the Southeast, to West Virginia, Virginia, North Carolina, Florida and me in Georgia. He has prepared my heart for separation and for loving from a distance. I also, spent the last two summers in Uganda, where I experienced some of the greatest encounters of love in my entire life, and also the greatest encounters of loneliness. Through it all, Christ showed me and taught me that HE was more than enough. With Him I would not just be filled but I would overflow. No other love on this earth can do that. You see I learned through all of this reflecting and contemplating my new future that I have been abundantly blessed. Not just a little bit but blessed a LOT. I have a family that through all of the tragedy and hurt we have experienced together, still love each with all we have in us. I have been blessed by friends, friends that are so close the have become like my family. They have seen me in some of my greatest times of heart ache and in some of my greatest victories. They have cried with me when I was broken and cheered crazy celebration dances with me over the victories. Their community and love has completely helped lead me to the woman that I am today and even when I was at my bottom, they patiently waited and urged me to come back up with them. And mostly, I have been blessed by constantly being surrounded by Christ. Whether in my home growing up, in my home in Athens, or virtually in every situation in my life. I have been fed and fed and fed and blessed all the while. Here is the BUT though. BUT all these blessings have come not so that I can get fat on them (thank you Lindsay Copeland) but I have been blessed and fed so the Lord can send me out, to those who have not been blessed as I have and feed and cultivate in them love, that which God so graciously granted for me my whole life.  I do not know how this will be done. I don’t know how it will be done through my job, my part-time job (ha), my living situation, or my weekend activities but I do know that it will be done. You see for the first time in my life, and through finally saying YES (more like screaming, literally) with everything that was in me, I received the greatest blessing and freedom of all. I found my purpose in life. I have spent, well my whole life, searching out trying to figure out if I was supposed to be a writer, a nurse, an event planner, all these things that I thought I needed to define me. I have know found though that NONE of those things define me. Living in Christ means living in FREEDOM not chains to anything of this world. So, it literally doesn’t matter what I do but WHO I do it for. My purpose is to love with all that I have in me and be a light in the darkness. I am a missionary for Christ searching and hoping to live like the Mighties talked about in the Bible. Living in that freedom for Christ means I am one of the hero’s of God’s stories, I am David, I am Esther, I am Paul. I am because I obey HIM. I am because I love like crazy like HIM. I am because I scream out the truth of my God for HIM. Whether that be in Athens today, Seattle in May, or Thailand in twenty years it doesn’t matter! My purpose is simple, to be like HIM. So, I am going. I am obedient and like he originally called, I go in May to Seattle, Washington, on the opposite side of the country. The one thing that is most exciting is though, that my epic story with Christ doesn’t start in may. Living in freedom in Christ means it starts today. 

One way ticket to the Lion’s den Gotta go through the fire so I can come out again Fight for my faith and live what I believe Stand on my feet and sing, Oh I will sing Jesus, You’ve called me friend Jesus, You’ve made me what I am -United Pursuit Band Jesus. Emmanuel. Yawheeh. El Shaddhai. Friend. Beloved. Redeemer. Restorer. Father. Stronghold. Comforter. Pursuer. The one who waits. The one who gave it all. The one who leads me. The one who loves me. The one who did it all. The one who made me what I am. The one who unconditionally loves who I am. The one who waits for me. The one that while dying on the cross, spoke my name aloud. The one who waits on my mistakes. The one who sheds tears like a monsoon over my soul. Jesus, Jesus. You are the one. You are my life within.  I will live my life with the glory you shine on me.  I will live my life with the grace you offer so freely God.  Jesus, you called me friend.  Jesus, you made me what I am. 

i do not know if I a have ever felt this physically exhausted before. It isn’t from me going to hard, no, it is from spiritual exhaustion and a literal battle that we have been fighting here in Uganda. I feel as if every time I have written on here I have talked about the battles I am experiencing and the miracles I am seeing. I am writing about it so much because it is the truth. I have never lived this life before. It is one where literally every step I take is in complete faith, totally blind of what is coming ahead of me. It is incredible to live completely dependent on someone else. Not to mention, the things that I have been seeing are too indescribable to even write about. If you had asked what I thought this trip would be like I never in a million years would have said this. I am just blown away. Throughout it all, I have seen this. God is so great and he loves so desperately. He has worked every small, minor detail of my life for the purpose of his glory. And although, I do not really know the true reason I am here one this adventure or even why half the things have happened to me in my life, I have been so blessed by my Lord. He has filled my life with so much of himself in the people around me and the intimate times he has orchestrated for us. I wish I could really tell you all the things that are happening but they are not my story to tell. You should know that I am here with some amazing people doing some amazing things. The two women I am with I have learned to really love and respect and admire. They are so filled with the Lord and despite all of the many obstacles infront of them they still claim Christ as their Lord and are constantly filling out their spirit. Being in this place of darkness has been made a lot brighter when you have Godly women to follow after.

Our Lord is full of miracles. I know because I have seen them first hand. I have seen him do more than I ever imagined possible and I have seen him do it in the face of every person saying it couldn’t happen. My God is greater! He can overcome it all. I am in awe of the Lord and love of my life. Last night, I sat down to post. I wrote a very lengthy blog about how I felt. I opened my heart, which at the time was hurting. I was discouraged because of bank accounts being empty, mailboxes being empty, and ultimately my purpose seeming empty. While I was typing, something amazing happened! I finished my post so encouraged by the words I had written. My original intention was to open my heart to help others who may feel and fear as I did. My original intention was overcome by HIS intention. He used my own words (but not really because they were his) to change my heart. After, clicking the send button and finding my post deleted by the loss of internet connection, the overwhelming sadness came back again. I tried so hard to cling to that hope that I had found but was still so discouraged. Today, my God has overcome every fear I might have thought I had. TOday, my God has worked literal miracles throughout my life and the lives around me. In the face of impossibilities, my God DID IT! This morning, at 5.30, Mandi, the kids, and I woke up to get ready to head out for the embassy. After, our first miracle, getting approval from the tough Muchachi judge (a nickname Mandi and I came up with), we were left in the dark without the actual papers saying she was approved. We had hoped that we would have them, head to the embassy on Wednesday to get our visa interview, and then have them on friday and leave on Sunday. They were big plans but we truly believed that anything at this point was possible. Well, after Muchachi didn’t give us our papers, that hope looked impossible. We woke up this morning realizing that the chance of us getting them today was nearly impossible but we had hope. We took courage knowing that when Moses was leading the people to the promise land and he faced the ocean with the army right on their tail, the Lord parted the waters! He didn’t do it when the army was leaving but when they were right on their tails! God tested their faith and when they proved faithful, he blessed them more abundantly than they ever thought possible. Today, he blessed us in that way. We spent the whole day praying. I literally found myself crying out to God which I had only done a few times before and my whole body ached at the end of the day because of spiritual exhaustion. After lots of praying though, 27 minutes before our final deadline, and lots of trips back and forth to the embassy, I found myself running. LITERALLY, sprinting into the office of the embassy, papers in hand, going right through our parted waters. With 27 minutes to spare for our interviews to be done, it was done. We had our visa interview despite completely IMPOSSIBLE circumstances that I cannot even explain. There were so many moments of the day that we thought there was no way this could happen but just like in Habbakuk he proved that he would do things in our life that we wouldn’t believe possible even if he told us! God is so good… The miracles we experienced today could not even begin to start the miracles I have seen on this trip. From seeing a women who was told to murder her own child because of Hydrocephalus not only realize that she was one of many and recieve care for her child but also, come to know the Lord our God as her savior. Also, watching several little children 9 and 10 years old dance and shout, filled with the joy of the Lord because after living a life of watching their parents die in front of them, going day after day with no food, and having to take care of their younger siblings at such a young age, find peace and comfort through the Sonrise children’s choir. The Lord is everywhere in this place, working miracles I never knew possible. You see, in the life I have lived, I controlled it. I set the pace and made my own dreams. I said what was possible and what wasn’t. I saw opportunities and took them without realizing the greater picture. I live a life that I think is free but really am bound up in my own fear of not succeeding and failure. I pick and choose what I think I can accomplish instead of letting God rule my entire life, even my greatest nightmares! It isn’t easy not being in control but it is the BEST adventure! I thank God for this opportunity and the miracles he WANTS to perform in my life. If I could only learn to trust him all the days of my life and the waters will be parted into the promise land! May God be the glory, forever and ever, amen.

I am here to speak to you now about spiritual warfare. If you have never experienced this you will and if you do not believe in this then I don’t believe you have experienced the work of the Lord as he has called us to, no offense to you. The Lord is doing a great work in our lives. He has called our children to do more! To do more than live a mundane life filled with the selfishness of what we want to wear, be when we grow up, and do. The Lord has planned something so much greater than a life filled with Katie. He has a life planned for me filled with himself, and moments than he can use me to glorify his name! Praise the Lord for this because after all the failure of my own life, the only one worth living is a life for him. For when I die, do I really want to say that the greatest of all of my efforts in my life were for my success? No, the Lord has called me to greater and he has called YOU to greater as well. With that comes great spiritual warfare. It seems that every time I seem to be hearing the Lord the clearest or getting ready to do something I truly believe is for his name, I am faced with some great trial that not ony challenges my physical circumstances but more importantly, my spiritual ones. This trip has proved to be the greatest example of this. Every day before we get ready to leave to go to Uganda or leave for something important like court, so many things go wrong. Like today… tomorrow is Mandi and Jeremy’s court ruling where they will get the final say on their adoption. We have prayed so hard for this day and yet now as we face it, we have so many trials ahead of us. We are faced with trials of health and people’s sickness, we are faced with social trials and riots in the cities that cause us to not only worry for the court’s but also for our safety, and we deal with trials in the flesh and heart of the judge that we are facing. There are so many parts to this and in any way the the devil can block us, he is trying. Through all of these trials, I can honestly say that THERE IS VICTORY IN CHRIST. Like I said before, if you have never experienced this spiritual warfare then I encourage you to really seek the Lord’s will for your life and you will find it. Yes, you may think I am crazy for telling you to seek spiritual warfare but I was once told that every morning of your life, when you wake up, the devil should say “holy cow, Katie is awake! Everyone put on your battle gear because we know she is working for Christ!” That is how you should strive to live your life. You can only truly experience Christ when you have experienced his suffering. Christ understood and experienced every trial and every temptation there was BUT he also experienced the GREATEST victory that there was! He rose again! So, seek the Lord and you may get a lot of trials along the way but I guaruntee you, you will also experience the greatest victories in Christ that way! What a sweet way to know our Lord.

Four years ago, a calling happened in my life that led me to want to be a nurse. My beautiful neice, Emily Anne was taken to heaven after three years of struggling with a seizure disorder. I watched my best friend and sister, Erin and her husband Brad, work all day and night keeping their beautiful blessing, Emily alive. I saw their dedication to their child and thanks to their knowledge of medicine, they did a great job taking care of her. That was the first time I really began to think of what an honor it would be to care for someone like this. Last week, that same feeling that I had at 17, overwhelmed me, I felt it for the first time again. While on my adventure with Cole, we found ourselves at the Cure hospital in Mbale. This was an incredible blessing considering the fact that we both happened to be in Uganda, only a few hours apart and so close to the hospital was no coincidence. It was s divine appointment from the Lord. A divine appointment that truly would give me something I didn’t even know I was missing. Cole, some other Uga students, and I have been working all year for Cure. From throwing dances at UGA, to hosting dances at local high schools, and even having the priveledge to travel with Cure to music festivals to speak about what they are doing; we have truly gotten an amazing experience with Cure and all that it does. With all of the talks and encouraging speeches I might have given about Cure, my expectations and knowledge of the hospital was truly blown away! Every morning at Cure in Mbale, Miriam, the spiritual leader brings everyone together in the chapel for worship. Doctors, nurses, janitors, and patients alike all came together and made the most heavenly sound I have ever heard. There were african drums, guitars, people shouting and dancing and just worshipping the Lord with all they had. Every single morning, the begin with this. Worship and prayer. There is not a child in that hospital that goes unprayed for. Not a single mother, doctor, or visitor. Christ is all over that hospital and every department in it. After prayer, Cole and I got to experience some very different parts of the hospital. Cole spent time with the doctors in outpatient and I was with the nurses in the ICU. In the ICU, the majority of the patients are under 2 years old (although, the ones I saw were 3 days, 2 months, and 2 years.) All with Spina Bfida and hydrocephalous. Some with both. I watched them put in IVs, check their vitals, and look after and care for these little children. Already my heart was beginning to be struck. The Lord was working in that small white room with fast recoveries but it was my heart that he was working most in. The next day, we went with one of the pastors of the hospital and met with the mother’s. We heard their stories and felt their pain. We heard how they were co-wives not only struggling with a sick child but the rejection and persecution coming from the wives they were having to live with. Their stories broke my heart. Their hearts were even more broken. They didn’t understand why this had happened. Some feared they were being cursed by the spirits, some were told to kill their babies, some had husbands who left them because of this but each one, by the grace of God was brought to Cure. At Cure they offered these women not only a bed, food, and healing for their child but a new life. They offer friendship and encouragement from the other women their that they never knew existed. They offered encouragement and love from people in the hospital. They offered them the knowledge that they were not alone, that they, like one women said “are one of many.” This idea and mentality of Cure was something I had hear before, %50 physical healing and %50 spiritual healing. Now, I know and understand the importance of that. Now I see where the most healing is happening, in the women of the hospital. After seeing these things, the Lord was truly working in my heart. I had begun to build relationships in those short few days with the nurses and with the women. I was truly learning that my gift and desire to meet and love on other women could be met in a hospital. I did not have to be in the mission field to find that. I could be working in a hospital in Uganda or even in America. I could be working their and building other women up the way I imagined that I one day would. The Lord was truly working in my heart but it was one more person that truly opened my heart. Her name was Providence and she was actually quite a tiny person. She was two years old and staying in the ICU. She had a shunt replacement after her first one came with infection and I spent quite a lot of time holding her hand and just sitting with her. At first she didn’t seem much more than a hurting child that I pitied and wanted to hold but on the last day she became much more. As Cole and I were making our final rounds, I came to her to take a picture of the precious girl who needed a lot of prayer and healing. As I looked into her eyes I saw what it is I saw four years earlier. Behind the beautiful brown eyes looking back at me was a pain, a deep hurt that came from much more than physical pain. It came from a weariness from life. It came from a hard life that a two-year old shouldn’t have to experience. It was that look that I saw in my Emily not to long before. It was that look that made me want to go into the medical field and help children that should never have to experience that kind of life. It is there. Sickness will always be there but I can do more. I can heed this calling from the Lord and mend the broken hearts of the children. Like I saw my sister do every day before, I long to love and care for children like Emily and Providence. I long to answer this call and do all I can with it. I long to not just be a nurse but be excellent in it. I long to not just heal this sick but show the Lord through my words and through the works of my hands. I long to do what the Cure hospital does every day. I long to answer this call… and I will.  

There is something beautiful I have found in riding on a Boda Boda. Something about sitting on the back of a bike, while riding over the Nile River that truly calms your soul and just makes everything you are feeling melt away. I don’t know if it is the history beneath you that you are so much more connected in the outdoors or if it just the serenity of the wind blowing over your face while you look at a pretty scenery but regardless, it is a wonderful experience that I suggest you one day have for  yourself. I, personally, think it could be a mixture of both. That ride was exactly what I needed today to prepare my head enough to begin to tell this story. I thought taking a nap this morning would do it but it didn’t. I thought writing 11 pages in my journal would do it and it didn’t. I thought taking my mind off of it and reading 145 pages in my book would do it but it didn’t. Not even my long walk that I ended up getting lost on did it. Riding the Boda did. It cleared my head and opened my eyes enough to tell you what I have experienced in the last few days. It has cleared my head enough for me to begin to tell you a portion of the amazing things He has been doing in Uganda. Getting to spend a week in Africa with just one of your closest friends is an experiences I hadn’t known would be so impactful. It has been loaded full of new people, crazy stories, long talks, and heart breaking circumstances. We started it out in Busia. Kicken’ it around at Cole’s compound playing with kids and meeting people. On Sunday, after church, we decided to head out on some house visits. We are walking through the village and we come across a little boy who Cole had seen once before. He had Club Foot. I am not sure if everyone reading this knows about both Cole and I’s heart for Cure International but that is what they do! They cure Club foot and a mixture of other disabilities at their hospitals! Not only that, but we were leaving the next morning to go to the Cure hospital in Uganda. Cole and I were so pumped at the idea of tangibly getting to help this child! Not just raising money from the states but literally getting to see to it that he has surgery! It was such a blessing and an amazing start to the week. We began to get to know his family and situation a little bit and take his picture. Hopefully, Sufi will be getting his surgery in Kenya at the orthopedic hospital sometime in the near future. (Be praying for Sufi.) In the rest of our home visits we got to see where some of the orphans that Cole worked with really lived. Getting to go into these people’s homes is always a reality check when you realize that they don’t even have the basic ammenities. Not only were the majority of these kids without parents but most of them didn’t even have a bed to sleep on and when asked what they wanted most… their reply was medicine and school supplies. How many children do you know that would answer that way? After leaving from the house visits we decided to go and play some football (soccer) with the Ugandan kids. We got to the field, which was actually a cow pasture so not the best place to be running around bare foot (ehhhem Cole Phillips), and were overwhelmed by the amount of children at the field. Around 80 children were there and half of them surrounded us as we started to play volleyball with the ball (to my request). After realizing the desperation of the children to join, Cole had the brilliant idea to pull out the frisbee. The frisbee literally became the best novelty toy we could have brought and children began to surround Cole! Tons and tons of children! So, I began to take pictures and before we knew it I was surrounded by kids wanting their picture taken. I would snap a photo of the group and then show it to them and they would scream and laugh and want more taken. It was incredible until I had the majority of the kids around me and had to put the camera away. I sat down to watch the frisbee game going on of Cole throwing it and kids chasing after it and several girls began to sit around me. Before I knew it I had thirty kids sitting in a circle around. In case you aren’t aware much like many other countries, Muzungu (white) people are rare and it is common to have people look at you and children run after you saying “Muzungu, Muzungu, how are you?”. In Busia, this is exemplified. We were two of the only four white people in the area and it caused people to really be taken back by us. Not to mention, Cole is a ginger, so these people were really taken back by us ha. So, these children are circled around me just looking at me and I really didn’t know what to do. What kind of games can you even play with kids who don’t know english? So, I got all thirty of them to stand up and began to play ring-around-the-rosie until we had fallen down so much that we were bruised. It wasn’t long after that we were played out and headed back to the house to get ready for our next adventure the next morning… the Cure hospital in Mbale.

This life is surreal. Uganda is surreal. That is the only word I can think to describe it. I have been here before… I should know what I am doing but I don’t. This trip is completely different but maybe that is because I am different. I started this trip leaving the plane and I really didn’t believe that I was even here. The nervousness and excitement I experienced on the plane last year wasn’t there. Quite honestly, I for the most part slept great. So, when I arrived… it was just surreal. We headed off the plane, met everyone at a local hotel and headed to the orphanage. The kids were bigger, really didn’t seem to remember me and unlike last time I was really trying to step back and just see the things around me. It wasn’t easy. There was so much encouragement I felt from the Lord that I was exactly where I was supposed to be but it just wasn’t the same as before. Something was so different. After the day was done, the kids had eaten and were with their new parents about to go to sleep I sat down to journal. I realized what that difference was. The last trip was so much for myself. The Lord brought me to myself to break me down. To rid me of the selfishness and worldly idols that were beginning to consume me. Granted, I am human and I still struggle with those the Lord since then has been opening my heart. Now, I feel as though I am an open vessel, so acutely aware of my sin and imperfections. So aware of my incompleteness without the Lord. I realize how desperately my life needs the Lord and now I can only pray for HIS strength, HIS ability to love, and HIS ability to serve. Today, He has used his amazing love to bless me more than I could have imagined here in Uganda. I met with Cole Phillips, a good friend of mine from school, in Jinja and I got to come with him to Busia. We woke up this morning and headed to church and I was blessed with not only getting to watch him teach Sunday school but also see a thousand children chase after him and love him. I would say it could be one of the greatest blessings in life to see someone you care about in their element, truly serving the Lord. Is was a blessing beyond compare and something that I believe was exactly what I needed to start of this adventure; service and fellowship with someone already so close to your heart. God just always amazes me how he perfectly orchestrates people and experiences to help you along His path. Cannot wait to see what else He has in store.  

Uncertainty… this summer has been exactly that. I feel as though I have been waiting in the unknown. Every plan that I have has been figured out at the last minute. There has been nothing concrete. And every step I have been taking forward has been completely blind. This is not something I am used to.  In case you do not know me, here is a bit if information. I love to plan. I am terrible with really concrete plans and I lot of times I am very flexible but I love planning. A lot of nights I will sit in bed and plan out my next day and it always includes shower times, work out times, and what times I can have snacks. I don’t believe I have ever full gone with my schedule but the fact is: I love to plan. So, this summer has been anything BUT that. I haven’t been able to make a work schedule because I have no clue if I will even be in the country next week. I hadn’t seen a single member in my family for over six months but I couldn’t tell them I was for sure coming to see them because I didn’t know! Everything was just so… uncertain.  What I have learned though that is so amazing is that, in my uncertainty, there is SO much certainty in Christ. He has proven to me HIS plan and how it is so much better than mine. He has proven to me that if I just believe and trust Him, he will provide in ways I NEVER thought possible. And OH, how he has.  This Wednesday I will be leaving, in complete certainty, to Uganda. One year ago, heck, even six months ago, I would have never believed that this was going to happen. Without fail, God has proven though to blow my mind and provide me with more blessings than I could ever imagine. This wednesday, at 9.55 I will be flying out on a completely paid for flight to Uganda. Where I will be staying for free, eating for free, and I am sure constantly being humbled by the Lord and all of His blessings. How this is possible? I have no clue… Luckily, this isn’t about me because I am not worthy of anything of this sort. Luckily, this is completely for the Lord’s glory and I am lucky enough to be His vessel. Just His vessel, that is all. I have never felt this blessed before in my life. And I am certain of who this is for. GLORY BE TO GOD. 

Annoyance flooded my veins and sweat seeped from every pore in my body as I waited in the market that morning. It was the last time going to the clinics that week and I was drained of every positive piece in me.  I was impatient, having been the second load of girls again. It seemed every time we got on the van with the 16 other girls on our trip, I happened to be one of the last ones to get on the bus. To make things even better I always seemed to get to sit on the last row as well. Unfortunately, the ugliness I was feeling didn’t start there.  From the minute I woke up that morning I was in a bad mood. It seemed the heat and close quarters was really starting to get to me and though I would never admit it, I was not loving it. I liked to believe that I was the adventurous type, laid back and could handle any situation I was thrown in to. How wrong I can be about myself.  As I spent my time with the Lord, I begged Him to rid me of myself. I could feel the annoyance of well, everything, filling me and I knew I couldn’t let it take over. I asked the Lord to launch me into the deep and show me His eyes. To take away my selfish desire that CONSTANTLY overwhelms me and to just completely fill me with Him. I pleaded for Him to break my heart to what breaks His. I can now witness to the fact that if you ask, you will receive. As I stood in the market, I received my answered prayer.  The minute she walked by I knew something was wrong. It wasn’t the fact that the baby looked so small she could have just came out of the womb and it wasn’t even the way she nonchalantly carried around this tiny baby covered in frills and pink. It was the one arm of the child I spotted from the corner of my eye, dangling from her body. The skin of her blue arm looked as if it was completely translucent to what lay beneath and the way her little arm hung seemed completely lifeless and frail pressed against her mothers stomach. Whether it was pure curiosity or the nudge of our Father urging me towards this lady but I knew I couldn’t let her go.  We all followed after her, determined to find an answer. Casually looking at the merchandise around where she was standing, Brookes begin to ooh and ahh at the baby, as you would to any mother. I, then, took my cue to get a closer look at this baby. From plain view, any normal person would have said she was a lifeless child. Her skin was even more translucent than it seemed and it wasn’t until we heard her faint cough that we even knew she was alive. After hearing her, we then began to casually seemed concerned, as you would for any coughing child and asked to listen to her heart and lungs. It was as you would think, a struggle. It was as if her insides were literally crying out to us the pain that this helpless little child was suffering threw. The mother in Sarah, Brookes, Beans and I came out. Beginning to speak in broken spanish we confronted this woman with the fact that this baby HAD to see the doctor immediately, and not just any doctor but an ER doctor. We could tell from our mere experience in the field that this baby did not have much longer to live. Frustration, anger, and judgement began to pump through my blood. I took action and was determined to do something for this child. This was my chance, this was the reason the Lord brought me to Belize, for this child.  My expectations of the Lord’s plans for me began to come tumbling down as Roselita, our translator, came over urging us away. She told the woman to get the baby to the hospital and left it at that, giving us no choice but to follow her to the van that had come. We were left speechless. There had to be more that I could have done! I should have grabbed the baby and run, I should have forced that lady to the hospital myself, I shouldn’t have let Roselita just walk away expecting us to follow! There had to be something!  As we got into the van, we explained the situation to Papa Mike (our dad and driver for the week). We came up with the brilliant idea that we could take the baby to the hospital ourselves. Even girls that had not seen the baby were throwing in ideas by this time. This all came to a sudden halt, as Roselita explained that by taking this situation into our own hands could result in imprisonment for us if the lady decided to turn the situation and blame the death or sickness of the child on us. We could never know the consequences of helping her if this didn’t go the way we hoped and therefore we had to leave. In one final attempt, we saw the mother pass right by our van and we started protesting to help. All fears for our own safety were thrown out the van, and martyrdom took over each of our minds in hopes to just save that one baby’s life! Prison, being sued, even death couldn’t have stopped our determination to save her life! Yet, despite the drive pumping inside each one of us, we were left looking back at the hopelessness of a forgotten child as the van pulled away…  The ride to the clinic was a sad one. Tears spilt from our eyes as we contemplated the failure of our own hearts. I was confronted with anger towards the mother, towards Roselita, towards Papa Mike, but most importantly, towards myself. Despite all of the urgency for her life inside of me, I let fear take over and I failed. I didn’t step out for her life but I let it slip from my very hands. It was at that moment as emotion poured out through my eyes, hands, and every inch of me, I felt the gentle assurance of the Lord and my faith was lifted. I have never been very good at memorizing verses but this one distinctly came to my mind “Whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you shall receive.” Matthew 21:22. I couldn’t have told you the verse it came from but I could tell you what it said. The Lord asks us to come together in His name and he will provide. I then turned to the group and asked that we all, believers and unbelievers, come together in prayer for this baby. We prayed that if it the Lord’s will, she receive immediate healing and if not, the Lord take her home today and end her suffering. We also, became burdened to pray for the mother and that all judgements towards her would be removed. We prayed earnestly to the Father, that His will be done not ours. Despite our prayers, my unfaithful heart still doubted… how could the Lord restore a situation like this.  This wasn’t the first time I had seen a situation like this but this was the first time I prayed for my eyes to be opened and they immediatly were. Despite the miracle the Lord was working right under us, he already had created one. He broke my heart for what breaks His. He allowed me into what He sees daily! Suffering that comes from the sin that is manifested all throughout this world! He let me in, answered my prayers, and allowed me to feel a mere portion of the pain He feels every second. The Lord’s plan was bigger than that though. He as always had much more in store than I had expected.  Sitting at wrap up that night with the group, Mama Rose began to tell us a story. While she sat in her class that day at the local college, she kept getting a phone call from the hospital. After several rings, she decided to answer. They began telling her that they needed her to reach the social worker because there was a case that needed her help. At the hospital a baby had been left, a very dehydrated, close to dying baby.  After three days of listening to the baby’s cries the neighbors decided to call the police into the situation, not knowing what was going on inside the house. The neighbors explained to the police that they could hear the cries but never once saw the mother, the four-month-old baby had been left. Before the police had time to get involved, the mother got wind that the police would be coming and took off to hide in the market, and look for her aunt. Once her aunt was found she forced her to take the baby to the hospital. This baby was by that night already in Belize receiving care and although it was unexpected because of her extreme case, she was going to live. This woman also, before going to the hospital also came in contact with some American college students in the market that day.  This was it! The Lord worked the most tangible miracle before my eyes that I could ask for. I saw Him save and restore a life. I saw Him work and answer a prayer. I saw Him ROCK the SOCKS of every girl on my trip. I saw His name be glorified in the most magnificent way possible. I could have saved that baby that day but if I had, I would have received glory. Mama Rose could have come along like we had hoped ad saved that baby like she is so good at doing but she would have received glory. NO, the GOD of this universe saved that baby’s life and because of that more than just that four-month old baby was saved that day. Other lives were saved as well, saved in a different way. Hearts were changed for the Lord because of this story. My heart was changed for the Lord because of this story. The Lord’s name was overflowing in the house. He made His presence known. I may have woken up in a bad mood but I surely didn’t go to bed in one.  “I am the door. If anyone enters by Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture. The thief does not come except to steal and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” John 10: 9-10 If you will, pray for this child who before even entering a year of life has been so deeply touched by the Lord. Pray for her life and walk with the Lord. I know He has miraculous plans through her.